The “Chris” Way: Just Roll Me Up In A Rug And Toss Me In A Dumpster
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I have a friend. I’m going to call him “Chris” for anonymity’s sake and because that’s his name. He knows who he is. His retort for a post-Chris world is very simple:

“Just roll me up in a rug and toss me in a dumpster.”

There’s beauty in this economy. Aside from the fact that it is illegal in most states (Florida, I’m not sure about you, you’re always a wildcard when it comes to oddities allowed or at least tolerated), but everywhere else it would be frowned upon to roll up my pal into old carpeting leftover from when we redid our Rec Room and deposit him into a metal bin behind a Cold Stone Creamery. The Cops would be called. I’d have to answer questions in a small windowless room. My mental state would be severely examined:

“So after you put him in the dumpster, then what?”
“I got a Oreo Overload in a waffle cone. I don’t remember what Paulie got.”
“(reading) He says he got a bowl of Peanut Butter Cup Perfection.”
“That sounds about right.”
“Did you at least wash your hands?”
“After eating the ice cream? Yes, I was all sticky.”

Although Chris’s mind be in deep left field, I believe his heart is in the right place.

He doesn’t want to be a burden.

If we dumped him and then got ice cream, I’m sure he’d be fine with that. He’d probably encourage us to add sprinkles. Carpe Toppings.

Lucky for Chris, he no longer needs to be shouldered into a dumpster. They are simple options available to relieve his burdensome thoughts:

  • A shroud and burial in a Nature Preserve.
  • Composting at Recompose in Seattle.
  • A quick cremation & ashes scattered.
  • Donate his whole body to science.

You can’t just dig a hole in the backyard (especially if you live in Manhattan), or slide a body off the back of a speedboat out at sea, or hurl yourself in the closest dumpster.

But rest easy, Chris, Simple Options are available for even the most minimalist soul.

Mark Noonan, Founder – Farewell Project
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